I'm back...

And raring to go: some more wonderful things I have floating about in the world...There are Nobel Prizes honouring silly things which have been discovered, and some are absolutely wonderful! They are presented every year at Harvard, by Nobel Laureates, all perfectly true.

Public Health Prize : There is a bra which, in an emergency, converts into 2 gas masks. I can see all the plastic surgeons doing a wonderful trade in places like Iraq, Afghanistan etc. Do you think Pamela Andersen's face is big enough for her bra?

Peace: For determing whether it is better to be smashed over the head with a full bottle or an empty one. This was done in Bern, which doesn't speak well for the Bernese, as they are reckoned by the other Swiss to be the slowest people in Switzerland. Now, as there were obviously tests done on people (??????) there must be a LOT more dull Bernese wandering about the streets.

Biology: For demonstrating that kitchen refuse can be reduced more than 90% in mass by using bacteris extracted from the faeces of Giant Pandas ! I have contacted the WWF to make sure that no Pandas will be smuggled out or force bred. It would be difficult to have one in one's back garden due to the sparcity of the bamboo they feed on. However, just in case there's a run on them, I have now cut all my plants down in my garden and am switching to growing bamboo. As most of my plants take my garden over, leaving me with 25cms. of space to sit, this won't be a problem growing it.

Physics: For analyzing and determing why pregnant women don't tip over. Go back further in my blogs and find out where I mention this pertaining to shoes.... I must be psychic...

Chemistry: For creating diamonds out of Tequila. Cool...I hate Tequila, so shan't miss it, I shall sponsor them ad infinitum... as I love diamonds.

Literature: For Irelands' police, as they have written more than 50 traffic tickets to the most frequent driving offender whose name is: PRAWO JAZDY..... which means driving license in Polish!!!

Good, isn't it.............

Further to what I blogged before

I was very pleased to see no less an eminent writer called Christopher Hitchens, in Vanity Fair, who wrote an article called "Sex and the single martyr".  He says what I say.............

I have just read this.......... you won't believe it

Earlier this year, an Iranian cleric claimed women who wear revealing clothes cause natural disasters. Hojjat ol-eslam Kazem Sediqi, a prayer leader in Tehran, said: "Many women who do not dress modestly lead young men astray and spread adultery in society, which increases earthquakes."

Whatever will they think of next. Are they real? The problem is that men and women don't have normal relationships with each other in these strict Muslim countries, leading to frustration, and that,  mullahs, is the natural progression of things.

Good, isn't it..............

Laws of life, sent to me by one dear friend and enjoyed so much by moi, that I have posted them with my comments.

And before we start, how true they all are....

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee. (Never fails)

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. (As do earrings when you are in a hurry and the others don't match your outfit)

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. ( Too many to mention!)

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy
signal & someone always answers. (And they never speak your language)

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because
you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. ( This has not happened to me yet, probably because I am my own boss)

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were
in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). ( And there is always some prat who looks smug as they go past)

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone
rings. (Do not know as I take my telephones into the bathroom with me!)

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. ( Yes, especially with clients who are ghastly)

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. (As per the washing machine)

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. ( Women have this on the end of their boobs and men in their pants, which does not stop them from scratching like a dog. The men, I mean)

11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk. (I have never been to an American hockey game, so cannot comment. European hockey is different.)

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. (Not applicable, see Law of the Alibi)

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. (Also standing waiting at a traffic light. The people behind you in their cars will invariably go behind you, like sheep)

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich
landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost
of the carpet or rug. ( But of course!)

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. 
(Very true especially of politicians)

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.( A fine example is Gordon Brown, ex Prime M¡nister of Gt. Britain. However his clothes didn't fit.)

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet. (Appicable to so called "STARS" They should take heed. Footballers too)

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a
product that you really like, they will stop making it.( With my friend it's lipstick and with me, perfume, and it drives us both NUTS!)

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the
doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. (Rather like the washing machine thing, see above)

Having a think about sex..............

Reading something in the papers this morning made me ponder on this:

Do men want it more than women?No, I don't think so. Maybe they want it more than women, but honestly, are they ready and up for it every minute of every hour, seven days a week? Somehow I have the feeling, not.. Women differ mostly because hormones etc. make them feel like having a lot of sex at certain times rather than the urge being equally distributed across 31 days of the month. Also I feel men have to realize that after a massive row, all is not forgiven when you tell her you'd like to screw her brains out right there and then....to make up. It doesn't work with women!

Older people don't want sex. Oh really? Try telling your parents! On second thoughts, better not. . We have all thought that we discovered sex, forgetting that our parents, perish the thought, got up to exactly the same nonsense that we do, or did. I remember not speaking to my poor parents for a week when it suddenly hit me one day, coming down the stairs, that "That's what they'd been doing and then I emerged 9 months later!!!". I was 16.  They hadn't a clue why the silence of the lambs was suddenly alive in our household. It's not a given that younger men and women do it more frequently. When one gets older, the fact that worries about having suddenly unexpected children appearing, has flown out of the window, so sex can be entered into, in all senses of the word, with more gusto!. I do think younger people are more frenzied and probably much louder, apart from the older couple in a version of Las Vegas, who had to be moved to a villa as they were somewhat vocal in the nightly and daily sheenanigans and weren't letting the surrounding people in the hotel sleep! what fun! At age 80 something and causing sexual havoc! great...

The all encompassing matter of size....does it matter? Yeah and nay.. It would be a fact if you were worried about the amplitude, a lack of overall self-esteem is clearly bad. Similarly it could be that women like to be confronted by something of some stature - although many will tell you that too big is offputting. From discussions with men and women friends, size is no barometer of manhood or virility. Enthusiasm can more than compensate for any physical shortcomings and there are so many fun ways of having a good time!

Oysters are an aphrodisiac....Maybe for other oysters, but no, they aren't. Neither do all the other fallacies of Tiger's penises etc. I'd much rather that beautiful animal had all its dangly bits than some chap think he could be the next porn star because he's taken some ground up powder!. Talking about tigers, they have some interesting size down there. How do I know? I saw one in an operating theatre, impressive....

Good, isn't it...........

The headlines and me, my interpretation of such..........

Naomi Campbell in war crimes case. If ever there's a menace, it surely must be this woman. Not content with bashing people with her mobile phone, harrassment, kicking and hitting ad nauseum, she now has committed war crimes. I have it on good authority that at least 6 countries now want to charge her with all sorts of things. Incenting women to wear too short skirts, specially when they shouldn't
(see photos of Walmart people), causing armies to open fire on each other when they didn't want to, by her loud mouthed foul language, wearing too much make-up and too many wigs, causing the women to kill each other so they could get enough hair to make wigs, you get my jist. It's a shame she's a walking disaster. I often wondered what on earth she and Joaquin Cortes ( the Spanish flamenco dancer) had to talk about. On second thoughts, they didn't.

Wonder Woman gets new outfit in 600th espisode. Oh goody!! I am glad for her, she's been moaning about her looks for a LONG time now. She didn't appreciate the holes appearing in various strategic parts of her anatomy whilst she was doing all her heroic deeds, however did tell me that it took the minds off whatever it was the criminals were doing as they gazed at her bits and pieces, and she could collar them easily. As they were handcuffed, some could be heard moaning... "I've gone to heaven"........

Harbour seals "pupping" earlier. Does Seal know about this, and Heidi Klum? Does this mean that she'll be giving birth earlier if she's expecting? I suppose he'd better keep her away from harbours in general, goodness knows what might happen!

Huge China bank flotation begins. I've just seen the Bank of China going down the N340, it's on its way to Madrid to make the idiots there see how banks should be run. I lent it my rubber dinghy to float on. Other Chinese banks have been seen rounding the Cape of Good Hope and they are worried about the pirates when they go towards the middle east. The head of the banks, Mr. We Gotmore, said to-day in a communiquè: "We are sure that the army of rubber dinghies lent to us by our good and faithful friend in Guadalmina, will keep us afloat until we have ridden this out. That is if the bloody pirates don't shoot holes in them."

Scientists peer inside a python after it's eaten. That's good, otherwise they might have ended up inside. Quote " "It's a sit and wait predator, it fasts for months and then eats a really large meal.
It can eat the equivalent of up to 50% of its own bodyweight, and in order to get the energy out of the meal, it has to restart the intestinal system very fast." Unquote. Looking at some of the people in Walmart photos, they do this as well, and other positively revolting things to end up the way they do. I am glad they have not yet resorted to doing what the Komodo dragons do, ( see earlier blog) that would be really gross. The pythons seem to have somewhat better manners too, they don't hurl themselves at a tree trying to force their food down their throat. I take that back, I think some of the Walmart people do this as well...

Brit actor Garfield is new Spider Man. I never knew there was an actor looking like Garfield!! How's he going to get into that costume? He's too fat and furry!!

Russia set for drink - drive ban. This has caused utter chaos all over Russia. All the hospitals, doctors, nurses, ambulance drivers, will be taking to the streets, not forgetting the people running the morgues!! They have taken up arms and the funeral people are committing mass suicide as they face utter ruin from no more dead bodies in their hundreds turning up.

Good, isn't it. And that's my lot of irreverance for this weekend..........